How "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" Killed My Generation

How I Kissed Dating Goodbye Killed My Generation

I woke up this morning and my throat felt like toast. It actually makes me cringe thinking back to it; I mean you could have put one of those cardboard tubes from a paper towel roll in my throat and I wouldn’t have known the difference. It is for that very reason I find myself lying on the couch, at 2 pm on a Saturday, still in my bathrobe. I have a summer cold, and it’s either watch Millionaire Matchmaker or finally catalog my thoughts on this issue in a blog. (Ok, ok, Millionaire Matchmaker is still on in the background. It’s a guilty pleasure; I admit it.)

I grew up with my authority figures’ hands over my eyes. The church, my teachers, and my parents fought endlessly to protect us from the ‘horrors’ of this world by censoring everything. I wasn’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies, even talk about alcohol, date until I was 16, and Heaven forbid curse, because that would be ‘un-Christian’ like. We ran to the safe confines of the suburbs, and closed the blinds to the nature of this world, which tended to be a little less than appropriate. In saying all this, as always, I feel like I have to make a disclaimer. Today it’s not for my readers, it’s for my mom. Mom, this is not a reflection on you or how you raised me. You have done an incredible job introducing me to this world, letting me go, and watching me discover things on my own terms. But I do have a few bones to pick with the church and the Christian authority of my generation that dealt with teaching us about dating and sex (Youth pastors, Christian authors, guest speakers, and so forth).

In the conservative, Southern Baptist culture I grew up in, we were taught three very specific principles about dating and marriage. These three capstone ideas (I believe) have led my generation to have very skewed sense of what courtship looks. These theories surfaced from the ever-so-popular books such as I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story and sermons with similarly themed. These principles, in their truest and rawest form, are as follows:

1.     You must be friends with someone FIRST, before you can date them. This is where the famous idea of ‘group dating’ came about. Picture this: little Janie comes home from school one day with a new sparkle in her eye and pep in her step. When her mom asks why she’s so excited, she clasps her hands together and exclaims that the boy she has been crushing on has finally asked her out. Like a proud mama bear, Janie’s mother gets excited with her and asks where he is taking her. ‘Well,’ her daughter replies, ‘it’s a group of us. Ten people actually, and we are going to the movies and then out to get ice cream.’ Looking confused, her mom asks, ‘Well Janie, how are you going to get to know him with all of your friends around?’ And Janie responds, ‘Mom! This is how we do it nowadays. It’s a group date and he invited me along.’ Still a little baffled, her mom shakes her head and succumbs to the idea that Janie’s generation has a different idea of what dating actually is.

a.     Problem No. 1: The reason the very term ‘dating’ exists is for when the pursuer (the boy) asks out the girl to get to know her, on a more intimate level, which generally requires some one-on-one conversation. And from experience, it’s a little difficult to get to know someone in a group setting. 

b.     Problem No. 2: When you meet someone for the first time and find you have common interests, similar views, and some physical attraction, it becomes wrong for you to automatically want to date him or her. Guys think they have to find five other group settings to be around the girl in, and girls find themselves hanging around those same group settings hoping that these guys will notice them. I like to call these groups “Clouds of Passivity,” because both parties are hanging around this awkward group cloud, ignoring the obvious: They would much rather be alone; chatting one-on-one.

c.      Solution: Men, if you find that you are somewhat intrigued by a women, ask her out! It’s perfectly fine and appreciated. Women, don’t dodge around the bush when a man is upfront with you; just give him a chance! You don’t need ten ‘dating sessions’ at church and 15 group dates to figure out if you are interested; one date can answer all of those questions.

2.     Initial physical attraction is sinful. This is my favorite one to pick on. When I was in college, I came up with the phrase, “I appreciate the fact that you are attractive,” because I came to the consensus that I appreciate attractive men! And I think that’s ok. I think it’s healthy to be able to see someone and confidently say, “I think you are handsome.” I know this depends on the guy, but I think some guys need a little confidence booster, and I know for a FACT that girls needs this from the men who are pursuing them.

a.     Problem: Christian men have become scared of beautiful women, or just women in general. They see someone who revs their engine (too explicit? Eh.) and they automatically turn it off. They close their eyes to the fact that they are attracted to their girlfriends, because the church has nailed it into their heads that it is wrong to think so until you’re married. You know I don’t mean going as far as impure thoughts; I’m just saying that it’s ok, men, to say, ‘that’s right! My girlfriend’ hot!” Christian women have become afraid to dress to impress. We have been told our whole lives not to wear that, and pull that skirt down, and tug that shirt up. (I’m not advocating this for high school student, this strictly is for mid-college age and up) These kinds of regulations are fine for teenagers, but if another girls comes over to me and pulls my tank up on my 25-year-old body I will cut her. Ok, not really, that was a little intense, but you get the picture. I feel like I’m being a little feisty in this blog…oh well!

b.     Solution: Men and Women alike, it’s ok to think the person you are dating is attractive, nay I will even say hot. It’s actually healthy and a good thing, when not obsessed over or taken too far. Women, it’s ok to know your body type and to dress, how can I tastefully say this, with a little more confidence than a schoolgirl would dress. There. Figure that one out on your own terms. And please don’t email me outfits and say, ‘Is this appropriate?’ It’s a case-by-case scenario, and we need to be mature enough to make our own decisions when it comes to clothes.

3.     Sex has become a bad, very bad thing. This isn’t necessarily something we have been taught, directly, but it has become a common assumption that we have (as intelligent people) inferred from the many sex lectures. I will never forget sitting on my 4^th grade bus and hearing some too-cool-for-school-kid talk about sex and automatically shutting my ears off because I thought that was something only very bad people did. When my mom first had ‘the talk’ with me, I remember thinking to myself, “Oh crap. I’m going to have to do this one-day. ::sigh:: Well, I guess I’m just going to have to close my eyes and suffer through it.” Heck, I didn’t know sex was actually a good think until I was 13 years old. And then I was sworn not to even think about it until my wedding night. Every feeling or raging hormone I ever felt was immediately squashed and put under the thumb of our family Bible.

a.     Problem: We look at sex, and every kind of intimacy that surrounds it, as a very bad thing. We know that God created sex for marriage. (well, it doesn’t say that exactly in the Bible, but it is referred to in Song of Solomon when speaking about a married couple, so again, as intelligent people, we surmise that it means only in the confines of marriage, is it ok to have sex. Also, Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians and refers to sex as ‘sexual immorality,’ so he suggests marriage to ‘fix the problem.’ Thus, sex becomes ok, actually good, in the confines of marriage. This inference I whole-heartedly agree with, because of the emotional and physical bonds sex creates between two people, and the fact that it harbors such a divine intimacy that is best expressed with the covenant of marriage) Let me say that again: God created sex. So naturally, we can surmise that it is a good thing, because, well, the author of all good things created it. The only problem is, everything that surrounds sex (kissing, hugging, holding hands, caressing the hair) has been put in the same pot as ‘no-nos’ before marriage. I have to be very careful when I say this, because I know a million people can take this a million different ways and say that I am advocating that anything under the sun outside of physical insertion is ok and accepted by me, Jessica Lauren Smith. No, not every kind of intimacy is meant for people outside of marriage; however, a lot of these intimacies are and can be done inside the dating realm. I can see some readers’ cheeks growing rosier at the slight turn of verbage of this blog. It’s ok; I will give you a light pat on the back and closed-lipped smile and tell you more when you are on the grown-up side of this world.

b.     Solution: Men, it is ok for you to physically show your girlfriend that you adore her. Now, before you go running to your women and tell them ‘anything goes,’ and doing whatever you please because some blogger said it was ok, let me be specific. It is ok to kiss her; it is actually necessary to see if there is certain chemistry to the relationship when you cross the kissing boundary. I know some people want to save that for marriage, or ‘the one,’ but I’m just speaking for personal experience, and myself when I say that that is what I would expect out of a relationship. I have a lot of guy friends, and we hang out a lot. Some would even say we go out dates, (we go for coffee, dinner, movies, etc.) but I do not kiss them, hold their hand, or hope they will put their hand on the small of my back to guide me around (if you haven’t seen Hitch, I highly recommend you watch it). All of this to say, at some point in the dating relationship, girls would like to be kissed. It’s just something we dream about, hope for, and look for when we are being courted. Women, stop putting all of these rules and boundaries up in relationships! You are scaring them away! Again I echo, I don’t recommend the ‘anything goes’ method for this solution either, by ANY means. There needs to be some physical boundaries, yes, and I think that varies from couple to couple. All I’m saying here is that this generation of women has put far too many stipulations on ‘what you can’t do to date me.’ You have to ask my dad’s permission before you ask me out. We can’t be together after 10 pm, no matter what. You can’t touch me in front of my parents. You can’t kiss me until our 12^th date. And the list drones on and on and on! I’m even frustrating myself typing it! No wonder these guys are afraid to do anything; we’re the intimidators!! And we hide it so cleverly under the ‘good Christian principles’ we learned in church. Where did those teachers get these points anyway?

Wow. This is a long blog. High-five and ten points to anyone who made it to this point. Nearing the end of the blog, I’d like to bring it back to Jesus. Amidst all of the pharisaic rules of dating among my generation, I will say that Jesus is about honor, respect, and love. Bottom line is, there are things that we are doing with our boyfriend or girlfriend that is not honoring, respecting, or loving them. Is it really respectful not to ask a girl out, when you are interested, you know she is interested, and the only thing holding you back is some stupid rule? Are you really loving your boyfriend when you shy away from him attempting to put his arm around you on the couch at your parents’ house? Think about these, and maybe we can turn around what the generation before us did, and actually date each other in a mature and honoring way. It could be fun!