The Curse of Confidence

I’ve been hemming and hawing over writing this blog for two reasons. One, I don’t want people to think I am a feminist, and two, I don’t want men to feel like I am attacking them. So, in order to nip these looming fears in the bud, I would like to state that A) I am not a feminist, and B) My intention in this is NOT to attack men. There. All assumptions put to rest.

I know you must be cocking your head to the side and itching your not-so-scratchy scalp at the title of this blog, considering I just posted a blog listing different ways to be confident, and the benefits that will follow. Let me first preface this with a story. Earlier tonight I was sipping on cool wine with some girlfriends chatting about the comings and goings of this past year, and, of course, in a room full of women, the topic of boys came up. Two women in our group are engaged, so we eagerly leaned in over our chocolate éclair desserts and listened to their proposal stories. After that, we all went around and gave little updates of our lives.

After the conversation died and the last few stragglers remained, I started chatting with my friend’s mom about my experience on the race and the transition home. I was talking about how the Lord has taught me two very important life lessons over the past couple of years, and the dilemma that has followed them. These are the foundations that I am currently standing upon, the lessons learned, if you will:

AA) I am secure with my identity in Christ.

a.  I am a daughter of an Almighty King who loves me something fierce, and is the ultimate pursuer of my heart.

b.  My inheritance is not of the world, but in a Kingdom that I can’t even begin to fathom or comprehend.

BB) I know what I want in life.

a.  Ouuu, this one’s scary. I’m a 25-year-old, 21^st century American, and I actually know what I want in life.

b.  As an overall picture, I want to live in community. I want to know poor people, care for orphans, love on prostitutes, have a favorite coffee shop, be a regular at a farmer’s market, and support missionaries. This doesn’t have to look any certain way, but I’d like to basically live out the great commission, disciplining people along the way.

c.  I want to get married, and love my husband like none other. I want to make him feel hot, respected, loved, and adored.

d.  I’m comfortable with the fact that this will mold and change as the seasons do and as I grow older, and I’m ok with that. I’m a reasonable gal, a realist at heart, but someone who trusts and believes in the miraculous power of Christ.

There it is. I said it. And here seems to be the ramifications of these two truths; I have become scary. When meeting someone (a guy) for the first time, nowadays, it seems to me that it is no longer attractive for a girl to have her head on straight. I’ve been watching the latest season of the Bachelorette and have resorted to a constant state of jaw dropping because of how insecure the Bachlorette is. She can’t accept compliments, every time she’s on a one-on-one date, she prods and pokes the men to boost her ego and stroke her self-assurance and compliment her looks.

And. They. Eat. It. Up.

They’ve given up their jobs, families, social lives, to pursue this woman who looks in the mirror everyday and says, “Am I good enough?” Now, I’m not even going to go into the issue of where her confidence comes from or the assumption that I’ve made that none of these men know the Lord, that is for a later blog. But COME ON people! There has to be something to say when a reality TV show has captured the hearts of so many Americans that is centered on an insecure, needy girl clicking around on her high heels with 25 men on a string following and drooling after her is the most highly viewed show on Hulu. This is a problem.

Sometimes when I meet a guy, I feel like have to be careful what I tell him about my life. I literally think to myself, will this scare him? Is the fact that I’ve traveled to almost 25 countries before the age of 25 going to cause him to put his hands up and slowly back away? Should I not tell him that I not only do I love to sing but I also love to play the piano? Instead of an exciting conversation starter or something that can lead him to contribute something new and equally interesting to the conversation, it turns everything into a moot point. And there I am, apologizing again for my past and the fact that I know who I am.

Now, I know in my lifetime I have been extremely blessed to have some crazy-different and unusual experiences and I thank God everyday for them. But here’s the thing, I’m not looking for those exact same experiences in a mate, or a friend for that matter. Because then, they would be boring! If everyone had the same stories and life experiences, how would we learn from anyone? I don’t care if you’ve spent the past year organic farming in Malaysia or living in downtown Atlanta learning the art of coffee brewing; both scenarios are interesting to me. And both scenarios can be used by God, because He is Almighty, and creative, and created each one of us uniquely to be able to share our different and interesting journey with others.

Not to be dramatic, or emotional, or whatever you want to call it, (I mean, I’m only dramatic when it comes to the things that don’t matter, like the amazing taste of Bailey’s creamer or the fact that Justin Timberlake just released a new album) but sometimes I feel like I am cursed by being confident. I know that’s a strong word, cursed, and you know that I don’t actually mean cursed, but for lack of a better word, I feel as though sometimes I have to apologize for confidently following what God has placed in my life or who He has called me to be. Because it’s ‘scary’ or ‘too intimidating’ or ‘too much of a challenge.’ Where’s the man that is going to stand confidently before me and know who he is and what he wants in life? And when is it going to be acceptable to share your life stories with someone and them not feel jealous or insecure? Again I say, this is not meant to be a blog of attacking men or heaven forbid the opposite, a needy callout for someone to pursue me, no. These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a while now, and I am releasing them into the World Wide Web to be done with them. It helps me to put my little fingers to work and cohesively type out my thoughts for whomever to read.

And as Jesus said, there’s that. Well, he really didn’t say that, I just watched it on a YouTube video, from a trendy church…never mind. I’m not going to apologize for my experiences, who I am in the Lord, or what I want in life. Whenever that man comes, I am going to step back, let him take the reins, and follow him as he confidently leads me, showing him that he is honored, respected, and cherished. But for now, I am looking at God, watching Him lead my life, and expecting great things to happen. Confidently.