How "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" Killed My Generation

How I Kissed Dating Goodbye Killed My Generation

I woke up this morning and my throat felt like toast. It actually makes me cringe thinking back to it; I mean you could have put one of those cardboard tubes from a paper towel roll in my throat and I wouldn’t have known the difference. It is for that very reason I find myself lying on the couch, at 2 pm on a Saturday, still in my bathrobe. I have a summer cold, and it’s either watch Millionaire Matchmaker or finally catalog my thoughts on this issue in a blog. (Ok, ok, Millionaire Matchmaker is still on in the background. It’s a guilty pleasure; I admit it.)

I grew up with my authority figures’ hands over my eyes. The church, my teachers, and my parents fought endlessly to protect us from the ‘horrors’ of this world by censoring everything. I wasn’t allowed to watch PG-13 movies, even talk about alcohol, date until I was 16, and Heaven forbid curse, because that would be ‘un-Christian’ like. We ran to the safe confines of the suburbs, and closed the blinds to the nature of this world, which tended to be a little less than appropriate. In saying all this, as always, I feel like I have to make a disclaimer. Today it’s not for my readers, it’s for my mom. Mom, this is not a reflection on you or how you raised me. You have done an incredible job introducing me to this world, letting me go, and watching me discover things on my own terms. But I do have a few bones to pick with the church and the Christian authority of my generation that dealt with teaching us about dating and sex (Youth pastors, Christian authors, guest speakers, and so forth).

In the conservative, Southern Baptist culture I grew up in, we were taught three very specific principles about dating and marriage. These three capstone ideas (I believe) have led my generation to have very skewed sense of what courtship looks. These theories surfaced from the ever-so-popular books such as I Kissed Dating Goodbye and When God Writes Your Love Story and sermons with similarly themed. These principles, in their truest and rawest form, are as follows:

1.     You must be friends with someone FIRST, before you can date them. This is where the famous idea of ‘group dating’ came about. Picture this: little Janie comes home from school one day with a new sparkle in her eye and pep in her step. When her mom asks why she’s so excited, she clasps her hands together and exclaims that the boy she has been crushing on has finally asked her out. Like a proud mama bear, Janie’s mother gets excited with her and asks where he is taking her. ‘Well,’ her daughter replies, ‘it’s a group of us. Ten people actually, and we are going to the movies and then out to get ice cream.’ Looking confused, her mom asks, ‘Well Janie, how are you going to get to know him with all of your friends around?’ And Janie responds, ‘Mom! This is how we do it nowadays. It’s a group date and he invited me along.’ Still a little baffled, her mom shakes her head and succumbs to the idea that Janie’s generation has a different idea of what dating actually is.

a.     Problem No. 1: The reason the very term ‘dating’ exists is for when the pursuer (the boy) asks out the girl to get to know her, on a more intimate level, which generally requires some one-on-one conversation. And from experience, it’s a little difficult to get to know someone in a group setting. 

b.     Problem No. 2: When you meet someone for the first time and find you have common interests, similar views, and some physical attraction, it becomes wrong for you to automatically want to date him or her. Guys think they have to find five other group settings to be around the girl in, and girls find themselves hanging around those same group settings hoping that these guys will notice them. I like to call these groups “Clouds of Passivity,” because both parties are hanging around this awkward group cloud, ignoring the obvious: They would much rather be alone; chatting one-on-one.

c.      Solution: Men, if you find that you are somewhat intrigued by a women, ask her out! It’s perfectly fine and appreciated. Women, don’t dodge around the bush when a man is upfront with you; just give him a chance! You don’t need ten ‘dating sessions’ at church and 15 group dates to figure out if you are interested; one date can answer all of those questions.

2.     Initial physical attraction is sinful. This is my favorite one to pick on. When I was in college, I came up with the phrase, “I appreciate the fact that you are attractive,” because I came to the consensus that I appreciate attractive men! And I think that’s ok. I think it’s healthy to be able to see someone and confidently say, “I think you are handsome.” I know this depends on the guy, but I think some guys need a little confidence booster, and I know for a FACT that girls needs this from the men who are pursuing them.

a.     Problem: Christian men have become scared of beautiful women, or just women in general. They see someone who revs their engine (too explicit? Eh.) and they automatically turn it off. They close their eyes to the fact that they are attracted to their girlfriends, because the church has nailed it into their heads that it is wrong to think so until you’re married. You know I don’t mean going as far as impure thoughts; I’m just saying that it’s ok, men, to say, ‘that’s right! My girlfriend’ hot!” Christian women have become afraid to dress to impress. We have been told our whole lives not to wear that, and pull that skirt down, and tug that shirt up. (I’m not advocating this for high school student, this strictly is for mid-college age and up) These kinds of regulations are fine for teenagers, but if another girls comes over to me and pulls my tank up on my 25-year-old body I will cut her. Ok, not really, that was a little intense, but you get the picture. I feel like I’m being a little feisty in this blog…oh well!

b.     Solution: Men and Women alike, it’s ok to think the person you are dating is attractive, nay I will even say hot. It’s actually healthy and a good thing, when not obsessed over or taken too far. Women, it’s ok to know your body type and to dress, how can I tastefully say this, with a little more confidence than a schoolgirl would dress. There. Figure that one out on your own terms. And please don’t email me outfits and say, ‘Is this appropriate?’ It’s a case-by-case scenario, and we need to be mature enough to make our own decisions when it comes to clothes.

3.     Sex has become a bad, very bad thing. This isn’t necessarily something we have been taught, directly, but it has become a common assumption that we have (as intelligent people) inferred from the many sex lectures. I will never forget sitting on my 4^th grade bus and hearing some too-cool-for-school-kid talk about sex and automatically shutting my ears off because I thought that was something only very bad people did. When my mom first had ‘the talk’ with me, I remember thinking to myself, “Oh crap. I’m going to have to do this one-day. ::sigh:: Well, I guess I’m just going to have to close my eyes and suffer through it.” Heck, I didn’t know sex was actually a good think until I was 13 years old. And then I was sworn not to even think about it until my wedding night. Every feeling or raging hormone I ever felt was immediately squashed and put under the thumb of our family Bible.

a.     Problem: We look at sex, and every kind of intimacy that surrounds it, as a very bad thing. We know that God created sex for marriage. (well, it doesn’t say that exactly in the Bible, but it is referred to in Song of Solomon when speaking about a married couple, so again, as intelligent people, we surmise that it means only in the confines of marriage, is it ok to have sex. Also, Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians and refers to sex as ‘sexual immorality,’ so he suggests marriage to ‘fix the problem.’ Thus, sex becomes ok, actually good, in the confines of marriage. This inference I whole-heartedly agree with, because of the emotional and physical bonds sex creates between two people, and the fact that it harbors such a divine intimacy that is best expressed with the covenant of marriage) Let me say that again: God created sex. So naturally, we can surmise that it is a good thing, because, well, the author of all good things created it. The only problem is, everything that surrounds sex (kissing, hugging, holding hands, caressing the hair) has been put in the same pot as ‘no-nos’ before marriage. I have to be very careful when I say this, because I know a million people can take this a million different ways and say that I am advocating that anything under the sun outside of physical insertion is ok and accepted by me, Jessica Lauren Smith. No, not every kind of intimacy is meant for people outside of marriage; however, a lot of these intimacies are and can be done inside the dating realm. I can see some readers’ cheeks growing rosier at the slight turn of verbage of this blog. It’s ok; I will give you a light pat on the back and closed-lipped smile and tell you more when you are on the grown-up side of this world.

b.     Solution: Men, it is ok for you to physically show your girlfriend that you adore her. Now, before you go running to your women and tell them ‘anything goes,’ and doing whatever you please because some blogger said it was ok, let me be specific. It is ok to kiss her; it is actually necessary to see if there is certain chemistry to the relationship when you cross the kissing boundary. I know some people want to save that for marriage, or ‘the one,’ but I’m just speaking for personal experience, and myself when I say that that is what I would expect out of a relationship. I have a lot of guy friends, and we hang out a lot. Some would even say we go out dates, (we go for coffee, dinner, movies, etc.) but I do not kiss them, hold their hand, or hope they will put their hand on the small of my back to guide me around (if you haven’t seen Hitch, I highly recommend you watch it). All of this to say, at some point in the dating relationship, girls would like to be kissed. It’s just something we dream about, hope for, and look for when we are being courted. Women, stop putting all of these rules and boundaries up in relationships! You are scaring them away! Again I echo, I don’t recommend the ‘anything goes’ method for this solution either, by ANY means. There needs to be some physical boundaries, yes, and I think that varies from couple to couple. All I’m saying here is that this generation of women has put far too many stipulations on ‘what you can’t do to date me.’ You have to ask my dad’s permission before you ask me out. We can’t be together after 10 pm, no matter what. You can’t touch me in front of my parents. You can’t kiss me until our 12^th date. And the list drones on and on and on! I’m even frustrating myself typing it! No wonder these guys are afraid to do anything; we’re the intimidators!! And we hide it so cleverly under the ‘good Christian principles’ we learned in church. Where did those teachers get these points anyway?

Wow. This is a long blog. High-five and ten points to anyone who made it to this point. Nearing the end of the blog, I’d like to bring it back to Jesus. Amidst all of the pharisaic rules of dating among my generation, I will say that Jesus is about honor, respect, and love. Bottom line is, there are things that we are doing with our boyfriend or girlfriend that is not honoring, respecting, or loving them. Is it really respectful not to ask a girl out, when you are interested, you know she is interested, and the only thing holding you back is some stupid rule? Are you really loving your boyfriend when you shy away from him attempting to put his arm around you on the couch at your parents’ house? Think about these, and maybe we can turn around what the generation before us did, and actually date each other in a mature and honoring way. It could be fun!

The Heartbreak of Harmony

WARNING: This blog is highly flowery and somewhat poetic. I can’t help it; sometimes I just write this way!

I live for harmonies. I’m like a school girl when I hear a smooth, dissonant chord in ensemble, duet, or trio; I get goose bumps, my eyes well up, and my heart skips a beat. It’s one of those things that almost breaks your heart a little because it’s just THAT pretty. When driving down the road listening to my pick of the day, I will often rewind one track over and over again just to hear one particular chord and how it’s layered around the melody. When I’m playing the piano, I will play a chord and make people harmonize with it just to get that resonant sound that only comes with voice meets piano notes. I’m a sucker for it, a music enthusiast, and a talent snob, always listening to the blend of melodies and harmonies around me.

I think I truly found this love for harmony when I sang for an Acapella group at Young Harris and then the Jazz Ensemble at UGA. We did mostly Acapella (music without instruments) music, so we relied solely on our voices and how the blend orchestrated the sounds produced. Sometimes the men would soften, so the ladies could showcase their melodies, and sometimes the women would sing sweetly to highlight the male tones. If we weren’t blending correctly or one part stuck out sorely over the rest, my director would make us stand in a circle and sing with our eyes closed. We couldn’t look at her for direction, and had to rely completely on our ears to match pitch with one another. That was always my favorite part of rehearsal. The moment we closed off our senses to the rest of the world and focused on one, singular part, the melody.

After all my years of studying music, it wasn’t until I was in Phang Nga Thailand that I truly realized why I had such a connection with harmony. We were teaching some missionary kids about choral and jazz music and the importance of blend. My friend Alicia was telling them about something her old choral director always taught during rehearsal. He would always tell her choir that the harmony exist to make the melody sound better. The melody is the carrying point of the song, and the harmonies sit on top or under the central root of the song, the melodic line. When she said this, I pushed my bottom lip up, raised my eyebrows, and nodded. That totally makes sense.

As the lesson went on I chewed on that point and came to a consensus. Harmony is what I was created to be. I was created to be harmony to our ultimate melody, Our Creator, in essence ‘make him sound better,’ or in our terms, ‘glorify Him.’ Wow. Truth punched in the diaphragm. In essence we exist to make the Ultimate Melody sound better, which is our Lord. Ok, I can do that. I crave to do that. Just like when I hear that one crunchy chord that sends shivers up my spine, there is a vibration in the spiritual realm when we harmonize with the Ultimate Melody, and I get a little buzz off of that as well.

I get that. Living in the musical fairyland that is my head, I can imagine that I am singing along to be God’s harmony and live to amplify Him. But the hard part, the heartbreak if you will, is that I want to live out that harmonic relationship with someone here on earth. Enter sucking ‘S’ sound through your clenched teeth and ‘Ouuu’ sounds from the masses at that statement. All of the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman phrases are flooding through my mind as I think about that last sentence. You don’t want to sound needy. You don’t want men to know that you can’t do it on your own, because believe me you can. I mean, you’re available, but you don’t want to sound too available. And yes, believe me, I do not want to sound needy, or lame, whatever you want to call it, but I might sound that way to you, and frankly I don’t care. The truth is, I’m ready to be the harmony in a man’s life. I’m ready to be in the sole relationship put on earth that mirrors our relationship with the Lord, the Ultimate Pursuer, the Ultimate Melody. I’m in a waiting place for that special someone, wanting to be needed by the mystery man, desiring to follow after a strong leader and visionary, and hoping for someone to harmonize with. Hoping for someone who I can make sound better…not in the snobby, I enhance your very existence kind of way, but in the, ‘let me bring out the best in you’ way.

And that’s kind of hard. I’m still sitting, singing my harmonies by myself, and I sound like the awkward person that always sings off pitch but thinks she’s legit. I am not pitying myself, or asking for the ever-so-popular ‘in God’s perfect timing’ phrase (although I do believe His timing is everything), I’m just being mature and real with what I want and what I think I’m ready for. That’s it. Nothing too earth shattering, just my heart. In it’s truest, most naked form—honest. 

The Sticky Blog

I don’t really like the word sticky. Whenever I type it or say it, I make an ‘S’ noise as I suck in air through my teeth and wait for the reactions of my ‘viewers’ (does ‘viewers’ sound pompous? I couldn’t think of another word. You can laugh; it’s a little funny). It makes me think of trudging through gooey mud while wearing really nice clothes and having my hair done and make-up on. However, I felt it was appropriate for this post, because this is a topic that can get a little sticky (‘S’ noise to follow) when brought up in the wrong company. But it is necessary that we take a look and really examine our lives and if we are truly using our lives to help others and serve God or just living our lives to serve…well, ourselves.

Sometimes we as Christians forget some things about God. We forget that He created us. We forget that he created the ocean. We forget that ‘as many grains of sand as there are in this world, are as many thoughts our Father has about us.’ That’s intense. A little too intense for us sometimes. I think the biggest thing we forget about God is that He is Glory. I don’t mean full of glory, or glorified, or looks like glory, (even though He is all of those things) I mean He is Glory. Webster defines glory as “great beauty and splendor: magnificence.” He is not only great beauty and magnificence, He is THE great beauty and magnificence.

And sometimes we forget that.

We forget that we exist to bring glory to Him and amplify the fact that He is Glory. The Glory.

When we are walking about our daily lives, we tend to minimize every blessing, warm sunset, plate of food, ounce of love, job offer, sport’s achievement or whatever strikes your fancy, as something that we’ve ‘earned;’ deserved, or gained. We put them on our little bookshelf of achievements and categorize them as items that deserve a ‘well done me’ pat on the back (If you’ve never heard that phrase, please watch the latest episode of the Joshua and Jessica Show). And then we start to rank our achievements. My 7^th grade 2^nd runner-up baseball trophy is shinier than yours. My 5-tiered fondant wedding cake made by Buddy Valastro from the Cake Boss is moister than yours. My full-time job that I actually hate pays more than yours. And we resort back to the children version of ourselves by comparing our newest Barbie dolls and latest Power Ranger playing cards. Side note: I literally just saw a guy wearing a Power Ranger’s t-shirt walk past me. Fate?  At the end of the race, we get to the finish line as realize that we’ve done this all for our own glory, when we weren’t designed to BE glory in the first place. Every single blessing, gift, and achievement is a result of God’s favor and his desire to love His children. How can we, no, how can I, take these things and not turn around and place them back at the alter to be used and stewarded by His hands?

I can’t take credit for this revelation, (I mean, can any of us?) but for the moment, I am writing off of a sermon I heard today by the Campus Pastor at Buckhead Church, Billy Phenix. He was preaching about having a posture of servant hood and how that is hard for us today because we are centered on a “Me” culture. We play sports to win games and achieve trophies. We go to college to get a high-paying job and spend $100,000 on redoing our kitchen. We mound up accomplishments for ourselves, and sometimes our immediate families, and somehow that’s become OK. We’ve succumbed to the fact that this life is about us and that we should learn to fend for ourselves and be our ultimate provision. And it’s fine. Heck, it’s even applauded! We live lavish and entertaining lives at the expense of others suffering and we get a certificate that we end up putting in a drawer and trophies that end up getting dusty and ignored.  Side note No. 2: I just noticed Power Ranger boy has nasty, scraggly hair and has painted his nails black. Fate ignored.

Now, please hear my heart in this. I am not standing on a soapbox chucking Bibles at people while I live out of a cardboard box and boycott Starbucks. I’m actually sitting in a Starbucks right now, sippin’ on a tall white-chocolate mocha. I’m writing this just as much for myself as I am for the World Wide Web. (I say that because I actually don’t know who all is reading this J) I also want to say that high-paying jobs, achievements, and trophies are not bad, by any means. They are a blessing from God that should be stewarded well and offered right back to Him. My mom always said to do everything as if you were doing it for Jesus. Well, I think she said that because we were doing chores at the time, and she didn’t want us to do a crappy job. Nonetheless, she had a good point. We should do everything as if were for doing it for Jesus and God’s glory because that’s why we’re put on this earth, right? To do everything with excellence in hopes that it will help others and bring more glory to Him? That’s my challenge for us. No, that’s my challenge for me, and I’m writing this all out to ask you to help me be accountable to it, even thought it’s sticky.

Side Note No. 3: Power Ranger boy is a creeper. 

The Curse of Confidence

I’ve been hemming and hawing over writing this blog for two reasons. One, I don’t want people to think I am a feminist, and two, I don’t want men to feel like I am attacking them. So, in order to nip these looming fears in the bud, I would like to state that A) I am not a feminist, and B) My intention in this is NOT to attack men. There. All assumptions put to rest.

I know you must be cocking your head to the side and itching your not-so-scratchy scalp at the title of this blog, considering I just posted a blog listing different ways to be confident, and the benefits that will follow. Let me first preface this with a story. Earlier tonight I was sipping on cool wine with some girlfriends chatting about the comings and goings of this past year, and, of course, in a room full of women, the topic of boys came up. Two women in our group are engaged, so we eagerly leaned in over our chocolate éclair desserts and listened to their proposal stories. After that, we all went around and gave little updates of our lives.

After the conversation died and the last few stragglers remained, I started chatting with my friend’s mom about my experience on the race and the transition home. I was talking about how the Lord has taught me two very important life lessons over the past couple of years, and the dilemma that has followed them. These are the foundations that I am currently standing upon, the lessons learned, if you will:

AA) I am secure with my identity in Christ.

a.  I am a daughter of an Almighty King who loves me something fierce, and is the ultimate pursuer of my heart.

b.  My inheritance is not of the world, but in a Kingdom that I can’t even begin to fathom or comprehend.

BB) I know what I want in life.

a.  Ouuu, this one’s scary. I’m a 25-year-old, 21^st century American, and I actually know what I want in life.

b.  As an overall picture, I want to live in community. I want to know poor people, care for orphans, love on prostitutes, have a favorite coffee shop, be a regular at a farmer’s market, and support missionaries. This doesn’t have to look any certain way, but I’d like to basically live out the great commission, disciplining people along the way.

c.  I want to get married, and love my husband like none other. I want to make him feel hot, respected, loved, and adored.

d.  I’m comfortable with the fact that this will mold and change as the seasons do and as I grow older, and I’m ok with that. I’m a reasonable gal, a realist at heart, but someone who trusts and believes in the miraculous power of Christ.

There it is. I said it. And here seems to be the ramifications of these two truths; I have become scary. When meeting someone (a guy) for the first time, nowadays, it seems to me that it is no longer attractive for a girl to have her head on straight. I’ve been watching the latest season of the Bachelorette and have resorted to a constant state of jaw dropping because of how insecure the Bachlorette is. She can’t accept compliments, every time she’s on a one-on-one date, she prods and pokes the men to boost her ego and stroke her self-assurance and compliment her looks.

And. They. Eat. It. Up.

They’ve given up their jobs, families, social lives, to pursue this woman who looks in the mirror everyday and says, “Am I good enough?” Now, I’m not even going to go into the issue of where her confidence comes from or the assumption that I’ve made that none of these men know the Lord, that is for a later blog. But COME ON people! There has to be something to say when a reality TV show has captured the hearts of so many Americans that is centered on an insecure, needy girl clicking around on her high heels with 25 men on a string following and drooling after her is the most highly viewed show on Hulu. This is a problem.

Sometimes when I meet a guy, I feel like have to be careful what I tell him about my life. I literally think to myself, will this scare him? Is the fact that I’ve traveled to almost 25 countries before the age of 25 going to cause him to put his hands up and slowly back away? Should I not tell him that I not only do I love to sing but I also love to play the piano? Instead of an exciting conversation starter or something that can lead him to contribute something new and equally interesting to the conversation, it turns everything into a moot point. And there I am, apologizing again for my past and the fact that I know who I am.

Now, I know in my lifetime I have been extremely blessed to have some crazy-different and unusual experiences and I thank God everyday for them. But here’s the thing, I’m not looking for those exact same experiences in a mate, or a friend for that matter. Because then, they would be boring! If everyone had the same stories and life experiences, how would we learn from anyone? I don’t care if you’ve spent the past year organic farming in Malaysia or living in downtown Atlanta learning the art of coffee brewing; both scenarios are interesting to me. And both scenarios can be used by God, because He is Almighty, and creative, and created each one of us uniquely to be able to share our different and interesting journey with others.

Not to be dramatic, or emotional, or whatever you want to call it, (I mean, I’m only dramatic when it comes to the things that don’t matter, like the amazing taste of Bailey’s creamer or the fact that Justin Timberlake just released a new album) but sometimes I feel like I am cursed by being confident. I know that’s a strong word, cursed, and you know that I don’t actually mean cursed, but for lack of a better word, I feel as though sometimes I have to apologize for confidently following what God has placed in my life or who He has called me to be. Because it’s ‘scary’ or ‘too intimidating’ or ‘too much of a challenge.’ Where’s the man that is going to stand confidently before me and know who he is and what he wants in life? And when is it going to be acceptable to share your life stories with someone and them not feel jealous or insecure? Again I say, this is not meant to be a blog of attacking men or heaven forbid the opposite, a needy callout for someone to pursue me, no. These thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a while now, and I am releasing them into the World Wide Web to be done with them. It helps me to put my little fingers to work and cohesively type out my thoughts for whomever to read.

And as Jesus said, there’s that. Well, he really didn’t say that, I just watched it on a YouTube video, from a trendy church…never mind. I’m not going to apologize for my experiences, who I am in the Lord, or what I want in life. Whenever that man comes, I am going to step back, let him take the reins, and follow him as he confidently leads me, showing him that he is honored, respected, and cherished. But for now, I am looking at God, watching Him lead my life, and expecting great things to happen. Confidently. 

A Promise Kept

You know when people make really general, open-ended statements that are just empty promises that they really have no ability to control or make come true? Like someday you will meet a man who will pursue you well, or someday your dream job will fall in your lap, or someday you will get to see the world. I’m not saying these aren’t good things to aspire to or hope for, but most of the time, when it really comes down to it, the people telling you these things are just trying to rub your back and make you feel better. Sometimes these remarks help you get a little pep in your step, and sometimes they make you squint your eyes and give them a closed-lip smile while you are thinking, “Thank you, but I would really just prefer that you keep your ‘feel better’ comments to yourself.” Anybody jiving with this, or do these people only exist in the South?

While transitioning from the World Race to the “real world,” (is there really a difference?) I heard these statements quite often. And from people I respected. It’s always to good to hear them from family, good friends, and even professionals, but it doesn’t really make the transition easier when you are sitting in the waiting room waiting for your test results to be read to you. Did I pass? Am I good enough for the next round? Are all of these things that people are speaking over my life really going to come true?  Well, they could be. God could be using them to speak truth into your life without you even knowing it, or they could just be blowing smoke. That is up to YOU to discern.

A couple of blogs back, I wrote about God waking me up and revealing to me that what I had planned for my life after the race was, in fact, not what he had in store. His plan was a lot less organized and involved the ‘trust as you go theory.’ I knew a location and I knew a field of work. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was calling me back to Atlanta, and he wanted me to get involved with the anti-human trafficking movement. I got a good amount of fun stares when asked what my plans were and I stated, “I’d like to get involved with the anti-human trafficking movement.” Most replys were, “Oh, so you know someone who can get you a job?” or “Oh, you already have a relationship with a non-profit downtown?” And to which I would promptly reply, “No, no I don’t have either of those things. I just have a promise from the Lord that He is going to provide, a destination city, and a movement that I believe in.” And for some very sad, strange reason, some people didn’t like the fact that I just had a promise from God. They wanted facts. I’m back in America and I can no longer take a break, or take one moment out of my life to sit and pray and let God give me HIS abundance over my own. But those are just the things that I did, and goodness gracious me (ten points if you recognize that quote!) did he show up!

About two weeks ago, a good friend of mine mentioned that she saw an event on Facebook (of all places) at a church in downtown Atlanta. The event was an awareness service about human trafficking in the Atlanta area, and 3 or 4 organizations would be represented at this service. One organization in particular, Wellspring Living, looked very intriguing to me. After the service, I meandered over to their booth and started poking around at their brochures. A professionally dressed woman with salt and pepper-colored hair down to her shoulders looked over at me and smiled. I walked over to her and started asking her questions about the organization and the issue at hand. I slipped in the question, “Do you happen to be hiring?” As soon as I asked, her eyes lit up. She tapped her upper lip with her long forefinger, cocked her eyebrow, and slowly asked, “What is your back ground?” I told her media and public relations, and as soon as I said that, she started talking about the organization’s need for PR and a stronger media presence. I couldn’t help but contain my excitement, so I got her business card, and e-mailed her my resume that night. Over the next week, we talked back and forth, interviewed, and negotiated. And I am here to tell you that I have a job. I HAVE A JOB! I am officially the Communications Coordinator for Wellspring Living. My job entails administration for the president, media networking, and PR. Admin, Media, and PR. For an organization that I 100% believe in. They are on the rehabilitation side of human trafficking, working and counseling the girls and giving them hope for the future.

I wanted to write this blog to say to you all that God provides. If God has promised you something great in your life, He will come through with it. I am standing here as the girl who just posted a blog about standing in the chasm of transition, now looking back and smiling because God has brought her into the next season. He promised me something very specific, and he delivered. He not only delivered, He dropped it straight onto my lap. So if God is speaking those promises from the first paragraph, He can be trusted. He is good for it, and the promise will be met on His end. Guaranteed. 

A Boost of Confidence for the Average Jane

Do you have a case of the Janese? Do you feel like out of the crowd you would not be the one chosen? It’s easy to live in this day and age and feel average and unworthy. We live in the 21^st century! It’s not really the golden age for curvy girls like me whose legs aren’t Barbie thin.

We wake up every day to stick figure advertisements, billboards proclaiming that your newest shirt is not enough, and hair styles that go so fast that by the time you get your hair cut, the cut itself is actually ‘so last week.’ We live in a generation where men invite you to a kid’s birthday party to try to get to know you because he doesn’t have the balls to ask you out. So we feel pudgy. We feel awkward. We don’t feel up to par, and it’s certainly not common for a single girl to feel ‘chosen’ when your average Joe doesn’t give you a second glance.

Well, first of all, let me just speak into that sect of women that you ARE chosen. You are chosen by an almighty God who created this world for your very existence. In 1 Thessalonians 1:4, Paul says,

“For we know brothers and sisters loved by God, that He has chosen you. Because our gospel came to you not simply with words but with power, with the Holy Spirit.”

God, the same God who literally moves mountains and splits the sea with a mere thought, loves you. So, just to claim this over the single ladies out there, I will say again that you are chosen and you are worthy.

While I was on the race, I went through a phase when I yearned to be chosen by a man. Everyday I woke up and asked the Lord to send a confident man to pursue me in a unique and (I will say it again) confident way. During this time, one of my dearest friends, Emily, shared the verse above with me and its was like cool water to be reminded that we are important in this vast world, and we’re important to the only one who matters.

However, I think the Christian church has done a fabulous job of skewing these two extremes by saying that your confidence comes only from Christ, and anything else that you do to enhance your confidence is futile. Now, let me explain this. I, personally, put everything that I am in Christ. He is the only reason I breathe, the only reason I live, and certainly the only person worth putting confidence in. However, I am not opposed to putting on a little lip-gloss or darkening my eyeliner for a dramatic effect. And I don’t think those things are wrong. I don’t think its wrong to get dressed up for a date, look in the mirror, and say, “Damn, I look good!” God gave it to us; it’s OK to be appreciative!

So I’d just like to take a minute and give all you ladies a few tips that I’ve picked up along the way to confidence. A few things to put in your pocket and take out on a rainy with you feel a little frumpy, or just need some conversation starters.

1)   When taking a photo, put your hand on your hip and stick your chest out.

a.     Not too drastically, but just enough to stand up straight. So many people have terrible posture these days and it shows up in photos! I told this to my mom and it changed how she now takes photos.

b.     It frames your shoulders and makes you look thinner. I learned this from my college roommate’s mom and America’s Next Top Model. It works for them, right?

2)   When you meet someone for the first time, shake their hand confidently and say their name.

a.     This not only is a mnemonic device, it shows that you are confident enough in yourself to turn the focus onto them.

b.     For the person on the other end, it shows that you can take control of a situation and handle it confidently.

3)   Take a few minutes to accessorize your outfit.

a.     I love accessories, so this one isn’t hard for me. But it really makes a semi-drab and un-unique outfit pop with color and your own personality.

b.     I just really love accessories.

4)   Figure out what your body type is, and dress to impress.

a.     I’m so tired of seeing people dress the opposite of how they should. There are too many fashion magazines and reality shows not to pick up a few tips!

b.     My body is not the ‘popular’ type for 2011. I have a thin waist, big legs, curvy hips, and a bigger chest. I’m not long and skinny and lanky, and guess what? I’m not apologizing for it! I wear dresses that cut in the smallest part of my body, and accentuate my curves. And that’s fine.

c.      For the skinny girls, you can have a little more fun with the skinny jean trends and maxi dresses. And don’t apologize for it!

5)   When making decisions, stick to your answer and don’t apologize!

a.     There is nothing less attractive than someone who is indecisive and apologetic for it. God has given us wisdom and discernment; use it! He has an ample supply J

b.     You will be more confident in yourself if you are confident in your decisions. Trust me; I learned the hard way!

c.      Even if you make a bad decision, stand by it and the reasons you made it. We can look back at any decision we’ve made and overanalyze it a million times. It’s made. It’s in the past. You can’t change it, the least you can do is stick by it.

6)   When you are talking with someone, maintain eye contact and physically affirm what he or she is saying.

a.     I have to focus really hard on this. I get distracted so easily and can find myself looking at the blue sky, and then I’m off in Cape Town again, seven months ago, and I’ve totally forgotten what that person has said. Eye contact, it helps.

b.     Sometimes I like to affirm that I am listening by touching their shoulder or their arm. Especially if they are funny.

c.      Be careful with this with the opposite sex; they can easily take it as flirting. If you want to flirt, this is an excellent venue!

Well friends, this is all I have for now, frankly because I am tired. But, as always, feel free to e-mail me with thoughts, questions, or stories. I’ll profile you if you make me laugh!

The Problem of Pain

The title of this blog is taken from an excellent book written by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis. With that being said, I’m going to need you to stop for a minute and say the title with a thick British accent, just like Lewis would. In order to do this, you need to say the first four letters of ‘problem’ as if they are popping out of your mouth like a balloon. Just as soon as you say that, suck the ‘lem’ back in and chew on the ‘M.’ When saying the word ‘pain,’ just emphasize the ‘a’ and that should do the trick. It makes no matter to me how you say the articles, because they are not important. After saying this, you are now in the right mindset to finish reading this blog, in a right, well-read sort of manner. Steaming hot tea and tiny sandwiches are also acceptable when reflecting on how Lewis himself would recite his own book titles.

I feel like a comical prose to start this entry is needed, because tonight I am coming from a frustrated frame of mind. I am lying in a very tall, queen-size fluffy bed with a small desk lamp lighting the room. Thick, round logs are serving as beams on the ceiling about 7 feet above me, and fireflies are lighting up the night sky outside. I am tucked away in the North Carolina Mountains, visiting my grandmother, aunt and uncle for the 4^th of July weekend. My mom has one brother and one sister, and together with my grandparents and their prospective families, they built this log cabin I am resting in, by hand, over 25 years ago. I love coming up to this quaint little town known as Brevard. Seeing the mountains, hearing the stream right outside the window, and sampling the peanut butter fudge at the local general store make me forget about e-mails and car payments.

I wanted to talk about something flowery before I dissected something that caused me pain, and the problem that surrounds that issue. To start, I’d like to share a dream I have. I have two younger brothers, and as a group of three, we are pretty close. Since I’ve gotten a little older, I’ve started to think about how much fun it’s going to be when we all start getting married and having children. I can’t wait to put my new screaming baby in the arms of my brother Blake, and call up Hunter and get him to photograph my child’s first birthday. We are going to have such a fun time during holidays and birthdays, just being a family and loving and supporting each other. In dreaming and getting excited about these things, I’m sitting here at the cabin watching my mom not having the same interactions with her brother. She and my aunt are close, but her brother is just completely hardened in his own selfish desires and stubborn beliefs about the world and difficult. He hides the fact that he has no real relationships with his children behind his biting, sarcastic remarks and racists comments. He walks all over you with his booming voice by talking over the answers you are trying to give to his questions. He spits out remarks to my brother’s apparently ‘gay’ wardrobe and continues to give us wet willies like a 13-year-old would do to the girl he likes. He stands in front of you trying to be a King when the image he is actually portraying is nothing but a filthy, half-hearted version of himself. And that’s sad.

The problem here is not in his actions, although they bring hurtful consequences. The problem is in the pain that is hidden beneath all of that grime that he tries to mask as humorous jokes. And it broke my heart seeing him rebuke the only relationships that are unbreakable, his family. For a brief moment, amidst the sheer frustration, I felt as Jesus would feel. Standing before his brother saying, “Why won’t you just come to me? I want to make your yoke light and restore your relationships.” But my uncle won’t accept the help. He’s too much of a ‘man’ for that.

So I spent the rest of the night like a full cup of water, trying to fight the surface tension and spill all of my emotions over the edge. I expressed my frustrations through very colorful language to my mom as we walked the dogs, but got nowhere. I tried to relax on the back porch, drinking a cup of coffee, but it was a different instance that tipped my cup over. My mom and I were sitting on the porch, enjoying a cool Carolina evening and sipping on some steamy coffee. My brother was on the other side of the porch, swinging on the old wooden swing, listening to his iPod. I was holding my coffee cup in my left hand, lifting it up to my lips, when I glanced over to my brother and watched him swing so hard that the entire swing flipped him backwards, landing him on his neck. I immediately reacted, dropped the cup, spilling the sticky syrup all over my hand as I rushed over to him. He was lying on his side moaning, and I started praying over his head. The cup full of emotions brimming in my body rushed up to my eyelids and starting streaming over my cheeks onto my brother. I love my brother very much, and seeing him almost crack his skull sent me reeling.

To calm your nerves, my brother is fine. Aside from a bump on the noggin and a good scare, he is right as rain. But this little incident brought all of my feelings of pain for my uncle to a head. You see, the problem isn’t the pain itself; it’s the root of the pain. It’s the reason that certain person in your life is lashing out with sarcasm, or making inappropriate comments about that certain race, or this certain male’s outfit. And then the pain transfers to the loved ones, who are generally the receivers of the wrath, but not the ones who are allowed to step in and help you dissect the root issue. It’s a sticky situation to be in, on every side of the issue. But no matter what, I will fight for unity and love with my brothers and their families. Tonight highlighted my love for my family, and the fact that it originates from Christ and his wellspring of love. Confrontation, conflict, and restoration are vital to the survival of a family or any kind of relationship really, and when properly executed and received, it can dynamically transform your relationships. It can make life easy; well, easier, and make family reunions, birthdays, and holidays times worth looking forward to instead of dreading.  Instead of walking your dog in frustration, you will walk him because the breeze is easy and the trail is lush; it can be the new American way. Let’s try it.