Old, dusty books inspire me. I feel like they have a lot of
wisdom and secret knowledge hidden between the pages. It seems the secret
knowledge can only be uncovered in the quietness of a bookstore or a secluded
library. This past Saturday afternoon I found myself tucked away in the corners
of a bookstore, surrounded by books bursting to share their stories. I turned
down the alluring offer of a chili cook off to pursue a day in solitude,
thinking it would help calm my anxiety. I am still on the job hunt, and each
day last week seemed to heap a new load of burdens. The books helped, but they
didn’t console the deep need in my heart.
I laid on an old-fashioned ottoman covered in fabric that
looked like it belonged in the parlor from the game Clue. I pulled out The Last
Battle by C.S. Lewis and began at chapter one. It was pocket-sized and the
pages felt like the chapter books I used to read in elementary school (the time
when reading a ‘chapter book’ was the right of passage into 3rd
grade). The more I tried to get lost in the adventures of Puzzle and Shift, the
more distracted I became by the weight of my own anxieties. I couldn’t step
into the story and enjoy someone else’s adventure because I wasn’t satisfied
with my own. Ouch.
Dissatisfied, I drove grumpily home. I began to let fear
dictate my mood, and it seemed that nothing could change it. My roommate’s
cheerful attitude couldn’t shake it, and the freshly baked snicker doodles
couldn’t suppress the edge in my tone. Even the warm faces of my friends coming
over for movie night didn’t ease my stressed out mind. There I was – hospitable,
but not warm. I wasn’t myself.
I went to bed, with glass half empty, and a poor outlook on my
circumstances. Luckily the Lord has grace in times like this, you know?
The next day, surprisingly, I felt a new sense of hope and
joy. Something had changed, and I felt like the Lord was about to
move. I went through the motions of the day – church and fellowship with
friends – but with a new outlook. It was almost like all of those prayers about
increasing my faith were starting to seep into my beliefs. My thoughts were
changing, and the verses about faith without seeing began to take a solid
foundation in my mind. I was no longer desperately crying out to a faraway God
to please, please provide for me; I
was standing in belief that he will provide
for me.
And my prayers began to change. My conversations began to
change. My outlook began to change.
It all made sense. All of the weeks I have been pouring over the word of God
and praying feverishly for Him to answer my call came to a head, and He moved.
He moved in my heart and He moved in my spirit. Suddenly these scriptures
settled in my heart:
Doing the will of God will silence the ignorant talk of
foolish men. (1 Peter 2:15)
Blessings come to those who trust in the Lord. (Jeremiah
17:7-8)
We do not live by sight! (2 Corinthians 5:7)
God rewards those who earnestly seek
Him. (Hebrews 11:6)
It didn’t matter how much wisdom or insight poured out of
those dusty books that day, it was another book that changed my heart. Take heart
my friends, if you are going through trials or running after a dream. His
rewards are coming for those who earnestly seek him.
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