When I was in China back in March, we spent one particular day traveling from Hengyang to Beijing, to take some time off and do touristy things for a change. We were operating on a very tight budget, so we had to settle for a 22-hour train ride sitting on hard seats and sharing a very tiny table. On public transportation in China, practically anything goes. You can smoke, drink, let your baby cry for hours, however the wind takes you, you are allowed.
My team and I were sitting right by the door, so all throughout the night people were getting on and off the train, leaving the door wide open for the brisk, winter air to come in and wrap us up in an icy fleece. We were already sitting up, with all the lights on, trying to burrow into our neighbor so we wouldn’t freeze to death. Needless to say, we were all a little on edge. One of my teammates (we’ll call him Chandler) made a comment about a snack food that one of my other teammates (we’ll call him Ross) had picked out. He simply stated that he hated that particular snack food, and that he wouldn’t be eating it. Ross immediately got his panties all in a wad and said that it hurt his feelings when people commented negatively on things that he had picked out or happened to like. Rolling his eyes and not wanting to address the situation, Chandler said, “Fine. It’s not my favorite.”
Since then, Chandler and I have adopted that phrase, and have started using it in place of things we hate or dislike strongly. Trying not to border on the edge of whiny, I’d like to list some things to you that aren’t my favorite.
1) It’s not my favorite when my hard drive crashed in Haiti. NOTE: there are NO Mac stores in Titanyen village.
2) It’s not my favorite when 8 people have to share one space heater to stop from freezing to death. Spooning is an option and can be used wisely.
3) It’s not my favorite when I say “Donkey” and people don’t understand that I am saying ‘thank you’ in Afrikaans. Some think I am calling them a jackass. That’s fun.
4) It’s not my favorite when I play ultimate Frisbee. People get far too competitive and I’d much rather sit on a blanket and watch the game while enjoying a nice breeze.
5) It’s not my favorite when Starbucks refuses to take Malaysian ringgit. All of this change I have is useless!
6) It’s not my favorite when God has me in a transition stage in life.
I used to love travel days on the race. Especially the ones in Europe, because that meant that would get to ride on a train. (Am I five years old?) I would stretch out, read my book, journal, have much needed conversations with people, and just enjoy the fact that I had time. But there was one aspect that was not my favorite about travel days. It was the transition stage. It was at the moment that the train stopped, the plane landed, or the ferry reached the pier that I dreaded. It was at that very moment I would again have to pile all of my belongings on my back, walk/taxi/or subway to our next ministry site, and look ahead to my next month. I would be looking into the future, while still holding onto the things of my past.
I am standing at that very bus stop in my life at this very moment. I am looking ahead into the next frame of my life, but I am still carrying all of my baggage from the adventure I just left. And I don’t know what to do with it. I still have the names and faces of every child I held, the burdens of each ministry I worked with, and the souvenirs I picked up along the way, and I don’t know where to put them all.
I extend my hand to meet new people, hoping they won’t notice the fried banana stains on my fingers, or the fact that I do not, in fact, know the name of that new song Pharrell Williams just released. I’ve forgotten how to have ‘American’ conversations, and only know how to talk about the Kaamulan Festival in the Philippines or the fact that Chinese people have no sense of personal space. And that is not my favorite.
I know it’s only been a month, and I don’t mean to sound whiny, but I’m tired of being in the chasm. I’m tired of looking at people’s lives and wanting to be where they are so badly but at the same time looking back and treasuring what I had while I was on the race. It’s a sticky spot to be in. I’ve become the fat kid in dodge ball, the new girl at school, and the awkward mom at parties trying to fit in.
There is no solution to this ‘problem,’ accept to look at God and say, ”I trust you, even though I don’t like where you have me at the moment. It’s just not my favorite.” So here I stand, waiting (not so patiently) for God to move. And He will. I just needed to put these thoughts into somewhat of a cohesive blog, and now I feel better. Burden released. For the moment…
No comments:
Post a Comment